i.

side by side, clinging

to poles like life-buoys, drowning in a sea of people,

trip and fall over, careen across the rails and

land yourself in places full of bodies, corpses

in the morgue, who dance, dance, dance

hard-boiled wonderland, trapped in a snowglobe,

dancing figures buried in white, the flakes fly

and spin and tipsy, over mock hills-and-valleys,

nativity scenes, like drunkards, over chimneys smoking snow.

the sour taste of repetition, breathing

snowflakes like air, gulping acid like water, alcohol

overdose, liver cirrhosis, yellow with jaundice, and pale,

luminous with lack of light. hands stabbed through

with moonlight, each finger a knife, i’d touch you, scratch you,

mark you – and tomorrow it will all be gone

love the sinner, hate the sin, sins whirling through

carnival stands – she sits herself on a carousel and twirls

along to the music, softly lulling her – and the rest –

to sleep. faster and faster and faster

and faster and faster and faster and faster they spin, slumped forward resting

on poles, the mind a blur as the colours whizz past, screaming

freelovefreelovefreelove love the wonder hate the wanderer

and the music, softly tinkling – still plays

ii.

inside, struggling to get out, towards the exit,

choked, choked, gasping and choked

sweat, blood, skin, up on the floor

down, from the sky hands flailing to grab

someone, anyone, swim your way through

a sea of strangers. then, a jolt –

knocked over, careening into oblivion,

the wheels fly and the colours spin

hanging by an arm, a thread, a shard of heart

and the swarms below reach up

from behind, waiting, waiting, waiting for you

to fall, fall, fall –

iii.

and then, side by side

out of the crowd, into the night

a slip of the tongue, the brush past

of a fingertip, carried along with the breeze

past the trees, reaching out to each other in the

darkness, freelovefreelovefreelovefreelove frenzied

explorations through the darkness into the dark let me

see your marks, the scars i gave you the kisses i

branded into your body – underneath the black

night sky the stories of yesterday unfold into

tomorrow, tomorrow we will be gone and

faded, into the woods, into the darkness,

where i have lost you again and it will

be another night before you find me

again, side by side, into the night.

discotheque (september 29, 2003) – Clarisse Fong

for all clubbers out there.

1. name 3 favorite songs:

- air, playground love

- starsailor, alcoholic

- k’s choice, shadowman

2. name 3 songs that cheer you up:

- josh rouse, laughter

- sixpence none the richer, breathe your name

- oasis, songbird

3. name 3 songs that you find inspirational:

- starsailor, silence is easy (ahahahaha!)

- l’arc en ciel, stay away

- frente, bizarre love triangle. because its cheers me up and i ran out of space for 2. :p

4. name 3 songs that you find depressing:

- gary jules, mad world

- coldplay, the scientist

- l’arc en ciel, a silent letter

5. name 3 songs that you find silly:

- britney spears, boys

- arrogant worms, this is cow

-

6. name 3 songs that you want to hear live:

- l’arc en ciel, stay away

- x japan, art of life

- starsailor, four to the floor

7. name 3 songs possessing nice lyrics:

- aimee mann, the moth

- damien rice, cannonball

- oasis, wonderwall

8. name 3 songs which MIGHT or HAVE ALREADY made you cry:

- aimee mann, humpty dumpty

- aimee mann, it’s not

- coldplay, yellow

9. name 3 songs which you listen to when you’re angry:

- starsailor, four to the floor

- linkin park, one step closer

- static x, push it

10. name 3 songs that make you think of people you love and care for:

- coldplay, yellow

- oasis, wonderwall

- starsailor, silence is easy

and yes, shopping is theupratic. blew 170 dollars the previous two days! hoozah.

and oh my god, james walsh (starsailor) is only 23!

I’m a high school lover, and you’re my favorite flavor

Love is all, all my soul

You’re my Playground Love

Yet my hands are shaking

I feel my body remains, themes no matter, I’m on fire

On the playground, love.

You’re the piece of gold the flushes all my soul.

Extra time, on the ground.

You’re my Playground Love.

Anytime, anyway,

You’re my Playground Love.

Playground Love – Air

from endless nights, the 15 portraits of despair: “she decides to make a list of things that make her happy. she writes ‘plum-blossum’ at the top of a piece of paper. then she stares at the paper, unable to think of anything else. eventually it begins to get dark.”

——

i listed 99 things that made me happy 2 weeks ago. nothing more.

sometimes i wonder why i actually bother about other people; its not as if they will give a fucking damn about me, so why should i be the nosey paker as my name dictates and be helpful and ask about them. if they want, they will tell me, so really why should you be concerned about people who won’t even give a hoot about you. maybe my essence is right, its about time you stop feeling for others and be apathetic, because dying from ennui is better than getting killed from disdain.

and these days i realise that i have been keeping so much of myself away from myself in a constant act of self denial, of escapism, from the inner demons that reside within the recesses of my soul. i don’t dare look within me, because i know if i do so i would be consumed in a maelstorm of fury and rage and self hatred. i don’t even dare question myself, for fear of opening this can of worms within me and all i can do is just to move mindlessly from one destination to another. but then i wonder, will i be truly happy, because knowledge of an unaddressed fear continues to haunt, to plague, like nascent tocsins of your soul.

and today when i returned home, i saw my enlistment letter.

i was to report in on the 26th december.

and when i saw it, a plethora of emotions swept through me, mostly fucked up ones. this would be the last year of my life as i know it, and as 2003 closes, so does my life as i have known it for the past 18 years. it’s not a new chapter; its the beginning of the end, because youth is incandescent and transient and oh-too-short, and all i wanted to do was to spend the rest of the year (and some days into january, as the memory of 2003 endures) with my friends. but hey, what do you know, i’ll be going into tekongland (via pasir ris through tibs, all fees covered by ministry of manpower) one day after christmas, a ersatz while belated christmas present from the government.

and do you know what tears me? it’s not the idea of going into army; i’ve accepted that since the beginning of the year and oddly enough, i would willingly die for my country. what really reans is that i would only have 25 days after the conclusion of my a levels to spend time with all my friends, and transient acquaintances, because by the time i come out, everything will be different, and changed beyond recognition. these 25 days are all i have left to capture all the images of my present-futurepast and i just don’t have the time to take it all down. and as if to rub salt into my wound, my only viable chance at a scholarship, to be an intern at sph, is gone. fuck.

yes! and pract crit is over! and i have only s lit left! muahahahahaa

in this four day hiatus, i shall go play 124321312 hours of basketball, do 12323123 crunches and weights and maybe even run 4 km! i need to be fit! mugging took out a lot of me mutters.

at any rate, shit i need to be studying for my s lit now, but really, all i want to do is to bask in the euphoria of the moment.

that is, until i get the results back. -_-

and this is the earliest i will be sleeping the past week. i never knew it would be so gratifying to sleep at 1.45am. : )