and today was closure of sorts but you wouldn’t know how painful it is would you.

thank you miss chua, for patience and understanding.

and maybe its time to finally understand that a person like you, miss xy, has never been worth it.

these days i am wordless, souless and loveless; will anyone gather at a tombstone marked by a rose bush in 21 years time; will anyone remember me when i am gone?

“there is pak, the boy who behaved half his age and who dreamt about love but never got it, not from an individual nor from friends.”

there’s too much angst these days.

this is it then, and sometimes you have to know when you have to stop bothering about someone because they simply don’t want you in your life and honestly, you don’t mean shit to them.

how stupid can i get. hahaha

one full year and i have 16 months to go.

christmas was spent at waikit’s house again and there was food and friends and joy! played blackjack and won 18 dollars from the banker; became the banker and lost 19 dollars, maybe this is a sign that i cannot play the big stakes.

got to sleep soon got to sleep soon (the nightmare before christmas’s jack skellington singing ‘what’s this what’s this’ being firmly embedded in my mind) because we are playing basketball at 10 am and this time round, boxing day seems to be a day to look forward too. let pak be agile and explosive and hit fadeaways tomorrow!

happy merry christmas everyone, and may we meet again next year.

it is christmas, but why do i feel such a profound moment of sadness?

i caught edward scissorshands yesterday and i remember vividly johnny depp’s “i did it because of you.” haha how silly, how driven, such hubris. but i would not have chosen another path because there is no other path; i have never been particularly self aware nor self preserving anyway so it doesn’t matter.

it is always easier to live in a dream than in the real world. this year i doubted love but love will endure in my memory because human beings are not grown and destroyed in a day; likewise single experiences cannot destroy a belief – i am a creature of love and i will continue to love and i suppose that may have been the best lesson i have learnt this year. or stupidest. but i do not care.

and tomorrow will be the 26th of december and i will have 16 months left.

it is christmas and i shall be silent.

merry christmas everyone, especially to the ones under the mistletoe.

and today is christmas eve and i won’t be able to spend it with you guys out there (whoever you are) but i don’t suppose i will be missed.

guojian has offered to bring the nightmare before christmas, love actually, edward scissorshands and mean girls so maybe guard duty this time round won’t be so tepid; movies galore with chips and drinks which we will bring and maybe countdown will be forgotten in the deluge of keira knightley, roderigo santoro, johnny depp and uh, not lindsey lohan.

it is almost a year since a lifetime ended and so much has changed; christmas last year was sad, but happy because i was leaving friends behind but i thought i would be seeing them again and nothing would change but oh how wrong could i be. april 2004 for one, and another in march before picking up and ebbing away in september; the former would begin to talk to me a week ago and i don’t know to be hopeful or distraught. the other remains silent and passive under a facade.

but anyway, sad inevitable things should not be mentioned, so merry christmas everyone, it is december, it is christmas and everyone should be loved. maybe even lindsey lohan.

from risse.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?

gave up on love, sort of.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

wth were my new year resolutions man. oh, to be punctual and be more thrifty. nope. future resolutions would be to be more punctual and thrifty again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

haha the heng family finally has a progeny and my favourite uncle’s son has the same name as a best friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

not this year, but 2002 still echoes.

5. What countries did you visit?

if you say overseas it did be tekongland.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?

i don’t know. less pain maybe. and then it would be two years of enlistment.

7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

26th december 2004. one year into two year four months.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

retook a levels yay.

9. What was your biggest failure?

could have studied harder for a levels. and losing too many friends.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?

partial tear of ankle ligament. on a bright side, the achilles tendinitis is finally healing.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

marquez kundera levi and ralph polo.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

haha ruimin for joy, dawn for honesty and uniqueness, eugene for stoicism, waikit for being such a good bloke, huixuan for drive, sharlene for being lovely, ailin and jac for comradeship, zongkai for charity and jesley for being incandescent as always.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

what’s the point, it won’t turn back time.

14. Where did most of your money go?

taxi fare, food and clothes that expanded when washed.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

national service! patriotism to country! willing servitude and subversion of own moral values for the better good of the country! respect to everyone but yourself!

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2004?

sparklehorse’s apple bed, snow patrol’s run, interpol’s stella was a diver and she was always down, beck’s everybody’s gotta learn sometimes, bebel gilberto’s girl from ipanema and kings of convenience’s cayman islands and i’d rather dance with you.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? sadder.

ii. thinner or fatter? fatter.

iii. richer or poorer? poorer.

oh no how bleak!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

study, be on time and save money off cab fare.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

bitching about ns. wait, i’ll take that back.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

christmas eve will be spent opposite a farm and around a graveyard doing guard duty and maybe i’ll look at the stars. terribly free on christmas itself and may probably cook at granny’s. :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?

maybe and maybe not and maybe i’ve stop believing in love, but what would a pak be without love?

23. How many one-night stands?

nobody wants me boo hoo.

24. What was your favourite TV program?

friends. the last season. the 12 kingdoms.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

haha. i don’t know.

26. What was the best book you read?

the book of laughter and forgetting.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

haha so many! interpol, kings and convenience (sent to me by sharlene!), snow patrol (by sharlene?) sparklehorse, bebel gilberto and frank sinatra.

28. What did you want and get?

nothing. a year less maybe.

29. What did you want and not get?

nothing too. haha i don’t know, camadrie of forms.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

this year i became 19 on a saturday and i couldn’t remember anything else.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

old friends remaining old and not distant.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?

hair wax. in a months time i wouldn’t need it i guess. and contacts.

34. What kept you sane?

haha basketball.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

brad pitt emma watson and keira knightley

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

bloody bush.

37. Who did you miss?

jesley and jac haha.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

a few. =]

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:

fuck ns.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Change your heart

Look around you

Change your heart

It will astound you

I need your loving like the sunshine

And everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s got to learn sometime

Change your heart

Look around you

Change your heart

It will astound you

I need your loving like the sunshine

And everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s got to learn sometime

Everybody’s Got to Learn Sometimes – Beck

I’ll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You’ve been the only thing that’s right

In all I’ve done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we’ll make it anywhere

Anyway from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we’ll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can’t raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up…

Slower slower

We don’t have time for that

I just want to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear

We’re bound to be afraid

Even if it’s just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

Run – Snow Patrol