to eugene (even though i know you won’t read this)
hugs. this sounds detached and curt but i don’t know any other way to put this across; the same thing happened to me in october 2002 and i didn’t managed to see him either. you shouldn’t have gone for the concert on sunday, i shouldn’t have gotten you to come, and goddamnit because you would have been at the very least, been able to see him then instead of being bored shitless at fort canning wondering what the hell your ten dollars was for. there is such a profound sense of guilt and loss now because old wounds surface and i know exactly what you are going through.

life is a fucking elliptical cycle of loss. take care my friend.

it is saturday, and there is still too much hubris and i do not think i will be able to recouncile myself with the state of affairs around me. hubris hubris hubris thumps in a dull chant and a bottomless hole recesses in my dark heart and i wonder, will there be hope, will there be salvation, will there be release from the humiliation of being the only student from the humanities programme to ever take the a levels thrice and will there be salve for my indomitable pride. pride and sloth and indiscipline and will there be a reprieve.

i almost feel like ending this blogpost with a trite and unsoulful “-bitter laugh-” but i will not because it is unelegant (or is it inelegant, these days my language has atrophied and this morning i spelled absence as abscence haha laugh at me laugh at me laugh at me) and i am such a sucker for aesthetic beauty that i will not stoop to such a blatant expression.

but these days i do not have a soul, i do not have a voice and perhaps inelegance is the most utilitarian.

-bitter laugh-

and liverpool won everton 2-1 despite being a man down and maybe there is something to cheer about afterall. but bloody bollocks, morientes, warnock, garcia and hammann with injuries?! wthf. how unlucky can pool get with injuries and don’t you wonder how scary they did be if they had alonso, kirkland and cisse altogether? bahbahbah.

but lovely news today, a basketball court’s being built at the bottom of my flat so the joy! i did play ball once during the weekdays and i am going to find back my shooting touch and become a better player. blood sweat and tears, blood sweat and tears and maybe this did be the year where i would finally stop being idle.

basketball today and surely i must get my fitness back. three consecutive fast breaks at full speed left me wholly concussed and i think, bollocks, i can definitely do better. but this will have to hold; next week Hopejam will be at Fort Canning Green on the 27th March from 2pm to 10 pm and electrico and ublues will be performing so people, please come down! yours truly is not playing basketball for once on a sunday for a worthy cause (funds will go to youth expedition programme for them to send volunteers to help out the tsunami victims) so let’s all have a heart on easter Sunday.
—————

i finally fixed my comp and finally, for the first time in a long while i am spyware free. but no, i shall not play battlenet mumbles.

aiyah i am a whore la okay. taken from bernie

these days i keep bumping into old acquaintances and they will invariably ask me where will i be going for university and i continually lie, telling them that i am in the faculty of arts and social science.

why do i have to lie? because i am a coward and there are no two ways about that.

one more time from ms ong.

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
( ) seen a shooting star (because i cannot have wishes.)
( ) had a serious surgery
( ) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) done drugs
(x) had alcohol
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your
nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love (but then it will not be counted if love required reciprocation)
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino (step’s house during cny. happy mr lai.)
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
(x) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
(x) saw a therapist (physio)
( ) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour– or
water
( ) bitten someone
( ) been to Disneyland
(x) gotten the chicken pox
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend’s car
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them
back
(x) stolen something from your job
(x) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire (wtf)
(X) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college
(x) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
(x) fired a gun
(X) purposely hurt yourself
(X) taken painkillers
(x) miss someone right now (but i don’t know who she is.)

the second very fast blogpost of the day never really materialised because belle the dell gave up on me.

(my dell is called belle. like you wouldn’t know already.)

i just watched closer and it portrayed love as an affair i always knew about but never really accepted; how long will the incandescence of love last? portman was the most innocent, the most believing and the one i can relate to the closest but there is so much sadness and resignation in jude law that i can almost forgive him for being a wuss who craved love so much that he would choose second best when his first option deserted him. and there is so much sadness and weariness at the end because portman who was alice who wasn’t really alice would leave him and there did be no way for jude the balding to find her.

there will not be any happy endings for jude who was daniel who wanted to find alice who wasn’t really alice because alice did not exist other than being a mother of three. there was three, and then four and ultimately only one. numbers and figures and isolation.

these days my computer has decided to give up on me and i am blogging this furiously against time before it decides to be like the syrians in lebanon and move out on me again.

there hasn’t been many pretty things in life recently, till i filched this from ruimin.

“All the swings in the park are taken, all the benches broken, let’s sit here”

The Outer Banks – Lewis Walsh

how pretty! and this marks the end of the first portion of The Very Fast Blogpost on the 15th Match.

it has almost been a week and there is still too much anger and self loathing; this is the consummate failure, the abject disappointment, the wreck of a fool!
—————

i just caught garden state with an army friend on dvd and somewhere in my almost dead heart i suppose i still do believe in love because honestly there is nothing else you can believe in other than hope. but these days, ennui and stasis threaten to consume me in its void and there is nothing i can do about it; this is paralysis, this is hubris and i feel like orpheus who has looked back.