from c who got it from d

THINGS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
Something important on your desk: space.
when you sleep you wear: an overlarge singlet.
If you could afford it at the moment, you would buy: a bmw 7 series.
Something you don’t have a lot of: money
If your house was burning and you could only save 3 items what would they be: all my books i guess. aiyah cannot la it’s either all or nothing.

MORALS
If there were no side effects, you would enjoy being addicted to: food.
A time when you purposely hurt someone emotionally: too many times i guess. misaccusing someone or shouting at my mom.
A time you accidentally hurt someone emotionally: i don’t suppose i matter enough to anything to be able to do it.
One person you have killed in your thoughts: oddly enough, no one. pacifism isn’t good sometimes.

FRIENDS
Three traits you look for in a friend: trust, loyalty and dependability.
Who makes you laugh most often: everything and nothing.
A friend who you can tell anything: ailin and jesley and jac.
A friend you can go to for advice: likewise.
Two closest friends: haha i don’t know. or maybe there isn’t one.
The friend who uses most of your energy: not anymore.

EGO
Your 3 best qualities: being able to love and uh, uh knowing how to eat good food?
Your 3 worst qualities: sloth, tardiness and certain undependability at times.
Describe your Ideal self: more hardworking, less flamboyant? and more serious.
You are embarassed when: haha i don’t know.
The greatest physical pain you ever endured: pain is glory, all forms of it. haha this sounds so masochistic.
The greatest emotional pain you ever endured: these past few years.
Moment you are most ashamed of: making my mom cry.
Your best physical feature: my stomach.
Who/What makes you happy: the rain.

EMOTIONS
Emotion you hide most: anger and hate.
The emotion you are feeling most lately: lovelessness.
You have a huge amount of guilt regarding: myself; i should be a better person.
When you are angry you need: to sleep. or just bitch haha
When you are sentimental you need: to be somewhere by myself.
When you are in love you need: haven’t been in love for a long time.

MEMORIES
One of your most peaceful memories: rain and thunderstorm at 3 am and i m at my void deck.
One of your most tragic memories: grandfather dying.
One of your angriest memories: oh haha too many; am prone to rage.
A memory that makes you happy: 02a14? or just jc la.
Something someone can say or do that you find extremely attractive: haha be in sports.
Something someone can say or do that you find unattractive: too whiny.
A personality trait you find appealing: a capacity to love?
Your secret passion: wah law then it won t be called secret already right?
What you enjoy most about having a committed relationship: the trust and dependability.

RELATING
Do you have a bf/gf if yes who?: nah/
What music is on when you have sex, or is it the tv?: music i guess o_O
Favorite song to have sex to: i don’t think it really matter yeah o_O
Describe your perfect mate physically: GOOD WAIST.
Describe your perfect mate’s personality: anything i guess. haha but she has to be resilient.
Favorite thing you like to see your perfect mate wear: she shld have good taste so it doesn’t matter. haha omg it’s like as if i can get her zzz

YOU
If you had more time alone you would: stand in the rain.
If you had more patience you would: study.
If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be: everything above the head. no la it doesn’t matter anymore cos it’s so zzz
If you had no commitments what would you be doing: dota.
If you could have one super power what would it be: have unlimited money so i can shop and shop and shop and shop.
If you could start all over: no point thinking about that eh ;p

i think claire sings rather incandescently and going down to little india to watch her sing was muchly worth it.

recent days dawn into the tulip age and today was a gorgeous time with rain in the morning, the 7 km run an hour later, tea with alvin in the army canteen, the whole afternoon off, dinner with phoebe dennis and david and of course, music by claire. and i do suppose the gig was the one that made it because after all, music is food for the soul and claire has a gorgeous voice.

tulips look like champagne glasses; will wine blossom with time?

was feeling utterly angsty for the whole day, but replays of the wallflowers do help things. what does it matter anyway, it’s not like it’s significant enough; often proximity is misjudged.

If you could see yourself
The way that I do
You might change
A thing or two
You wouldnt look so angry
Youd know it doesnt
Look good on you
So grab your coat
Grab your hat
There aint no saying
If were coming back
Cause somethings gone
So terribly wrong
Here in Pleasantville

Do you remember
How wed stay out so late
We used to have
So much fun
We used to wish that the morning sun
Just wouldnt ever come
But look at us now
Were tucked in tight
Were just praying for a little light
Cause somethings gone
So terribly wrong
Here in Pleasantville

I need to tell you now
As we leave
That its much worse
Than you would believe
And no matter how far
You think youve been

The beginning
Is where you are
So Im using my last match
To put a fire up on every hill
And burn down Pleasantville

We never did learn
How to use our voices
We never thought
That wed be heard
The only way they ever listen
Is if we sream every word
Caouse theres nothing
In our walk
That just aint the kind of luck weve got
So lets move on
Cause somethings gone
So terribly wrong
Here in Pleasantville

Here in Pleasantville – The Wallflowers

yet another year and now i’m twenty; not my first or second decade but on the threshold of my third – how will 20 to 30 be? definitely not as youthful or exhuberant because these days i do not feel my soul sing the way it used to nor will it ever again. but oddly i do not feel an aching pain on hitting the landmark 20, because for me my youth ended 2 years ago, at the age of 18 but like i told waikit haha oh well we all grow old someday.

these days fields of magnolias no longer bloom, but maybe tulips will take their place.

yesterday the 04/05 batch of hwa chong trackers ran their final race and closure will always have more than one ending; there is so much melancholy and emminence every time but everything gradually fades – pain fades passion fades love fades and everything ends the way rain does, from a torrent to a drizzle.

yesterday i relived part of a childhood that will never be obtained again, i stayed over at the chinese high gymnasium and played, and haha it was quite rather insane fun. carpet soccer resulting in carpet burns, rings 180 degrees flips resulting in almost shoulder dislocation, throwers playing strip poker (O_O) and people jumping down from 4 stories down into a pit of sponges; i do not quite think life will ever be as carefree again.

yesterday i ran to jump into the pit, and i do not think my ankles will hold up for long.

yesterday, yesterday, the world has too much history and too little future, but for yushan, who will never read this and will be flying off to uwc norway and who stayed over with the little tchs boys, a whole new world lies ahead of you. so to the captain who will never be, all the best.

sometimes rage and insecurity rob you of too many things; jesley was right, if you can’t love yourself, you probably won’t be able to love anything around you. but these days have been bleak and ashen and i dont really see anything in myself.

anyway, sorry, it’s always a fucked up thing to do when you accuse someone wrongly and i suppose that when you do not have any faith in yourself you will not have any in others; maybe that’s the story of my life.
————-
am going down to borders now, THREE hours late because i just had a 90 minute dota game – luna moonfang clearly owns but now, harry potter beckons. so tally ho!

omg haha this is damn cute!

and fuck off you cold material bitch; it’s not in your house – you just never really bought it did you.

today i returned to the track at chua chu kang stadium and nicholl showed me courage, of how one can leap past 186cm with an injured back; yange showed me how drive and determination could carry one all the way through training with the a division long distance guys and a third in the 3000m; bong did her best in the century sprint and although she didn’t show it, she was still torn within herself. blood sweat and tears, and passion never gives up on you and there’s never a better time to show it than in the month of july; will chronic achilles tendinitis ever recover, will i be able to sprint freely again?

it has already been two years but it is almost impossible to forget how we lost the a division championship, of mere centimetres and milliseconds and silvers, of tears and man jiang hongs, and a track team that doesn’t exist anymore; the hwa chong team is still around, but just not its 2003 incarnation and it is with certain sadness that i lament the past.

but that’s all i do these days isn’t it.

today i watched crying out love from the centre of the world and it is such a luminous, depressing show. how do you react when you know the one you love has a terminal illness; you’ll continue loving her because you know that in love all illnesses will heal because love is immortal and invincible; you’ll spend every waking moment with her in incandescence because that’s how people who are in love will do things but at the end of each day when you see that she isn’t recovering and there isn’t anything more devastating than that. but you will see her again the next day and you will only decide to treasure her more because you have such precious moments left that every single second is like a grain of diamond, small, miniscule and brilliant and this only serves to amplify the loss you ll suffer at the end to such an incredible degree that it is beyond me how anyone can survive it. it will rend and tear and implode and it will be so, too painful. watching it, i was almost rendered immobile; experiencing it, i suppose i will be paralysed by conflict and pain.

there are days that i wonder if it were possible for me to love again, and honestly while i do confess to days of lovelessness, i am too much a creature of love to just give up on it. but time flies so fast, and loving at the age of 20 and older just isn’t the same as love at the age of 14, 16, 17 and 18 because one is a mature love while the other is of innocence. shining and xiaozheng once agreed that given a chance they rather love at the age of 18 because they will be more mature now than they were at the age of 17 but to me, love at any age is just a different side of a prism, and to have experienced it is better than not experiencing it at all because one is incapable of winding back time.

i don’t know, i feel too much for something which i have no knowledge about, but loss, that is something i know too well.

tomorrow the track and field nationals begin and it is funny how two years ago my entire life revolved around the red tarmac while these days my spikes fester in the sun. it is sad, almost pathetic and i honestly wish i didn’t have chronic achilles tendinitis because it has been so long since i felt the wind rush against my face with adrenaline racing in my legs.

but that’s oh too long ago and these days i am just old and unexplosive. honestly, will magnolia days return and can i run again without pain?

i don’t think so.

anyway, to the track and field team of 2005, good luck, and may you win the championships this time round. pain has been glory, and you will succeed.