four days ago was the second anniversary of my enlistment but i did not blog about it; as a matter of fact i had completely forgotten about it and i suppose it’s a watershed of how much things have changed from a year ago. i don’t feel joy nor elation nor love, just a cold-hearted take on practicality and results and a day ago i would have taken this change as a form of maturity and recounciliation; maybe i have finally achieved my inner peace, my siddhartha. but i could have never been more deluded because i still feel anger and doubt and insecurity; i was wrong because i had never found my inner peace; it was just ennui, it was all just ennui. and these days i really don’t know what to feel anymore.

wah law i honestly look like rudolph now! my nose bridge is swollen beyond belief and there’s absolutely nothing i can do about it sigh. kwby i hate you grrrrrrr. haha 8 years of friendship and his first christmas present for me >/<. but nvm, pain is glory.

no, not in this instance.

and WTGF wendy pepper piped austin scarlett for the top three???? i am utterly disgusted.

well right, you see it’s christmas and i was playing ball at nus when my friend flew in at me and rearranged my nose with his elbow during a rebound, which meant i had to spend the next two hours at nuh. oh the joy.

and we were on the same team.

but honestly, painkillers are awfully good to get sleepy on. sleep in good weather = pwnage. now time for dota.

it it 3.30am in the morning and i have been asleep since 7pm yesterday and i feel hopelessly unfulfilled because i have spent my time sleeping when i have guard duty tomorrow. guard duties are meant to sleep! and not for the previous day to but oh wells. but claire has returned so i feel quite joyously happy if that didn’t sound redundant enough welcome back ms chun! :):):)

what a gay expression hmmmmmm.

i still like sufjan stevens.

When the revenant came down
We couldn’t imagine what it was
In the spirit of three stars
The alien thing that took its form
Then to Lebanon
Oh, God
The flashing at night, the sirens grow and grow
Oh, history involved itself
Mysterious shade that took its form
Or what it was, incarnation
Three stars
Delivering signs and dusting from their eyes

Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IllinoisSufjan Stevens

mr miles told me about sufjan stevens a year ago, but it was only recently i managed to listen to him. it will do you good to listen to the advice of your elders.

it is three a.m. in the morning and jeff buckley soars across the morning silence; it is three a.m. and nobody else is awake – i’m not talking to anyone on msn nor battling across the tirisfal glades with a random hero. i am silent and i am alone and these days i lead a quiet lonely existence.

i never used to be like this, i think. i used to hold great faith in friends who would be together forever, for decades and i vested enormous amount of energies in them. but maybe it was to the extent that it became repulsive and i suppose i only have myself to blame. so these days i veer onto the other end of the spectrum and shut myself off from the world – i suppose these days i am just too tired and weary to go on. or maybe it’s because i don’t want to feel the agony of loss again, but i hardly feel anything nowadays.

i’m without a poet’s soul, and all is dank and tepid inside. what happened to the boy who believed in beauty and love.

to the tall one, you played well today but sometimes the ball doesn’t fall where it ought to. but you gentlemen played magnificently, and bravely and one day i hope to be able to aspire to such heights; to mond kobe kit and joshua, you people played bloody brilliantly.

anyway sore eyes now so signing out zzz.

These days i realise i can’t really love anymore; it’s not as much an option as an incapacity. Yesterday i watched tom hanks and helen hunt, the former a plane wrecked survivor and the latter who regarded him as the love of her live, but he was marooned on an island for four years, fifteen centuries of days, and she thought he was dead and remarried. And then one day he returned and he was still the love of her life. But they could not be together because she already has a family. There was once upon a time where such loss would be insufferable to me but these days aren’t those days; too many things happened this year and the only way a resolution was to be reached was through the acceptance of loss on a permanent basis that entailed the sacrifice of certain character traits and which made me a creature of love. These days i know gratitude and guilt and i may not not actually kill myself if i am loveless before i turn fourty; my mother has made too many sacrifices for me to throw it wantonly away in the pursuit of an ideal. These days i am not whom i used to be and an aspect of my soul has died; I don’t think i can ever be the same again and somewhere in the remnants of my being i lament this loss but i suppose, sometimes some things in life have to be accepted.

zomg. i haven’t played like this in ages and all i can say is that i never expected myself to be a consistent 3-point shooter, if only for a day.

today i went against a tong whye ex?-national team player and he is by far the best guard i have ever seen. one instance he took the ball and shivered so fast that he broke me and went in for the layup; i am truly humbled.

but we won. who says basketballers don’t have a lifespan beyond thirty. today 3 uncles took my by my neck and showed me how; these days i know i can play ball till fourty, these days i may have some game fitness left.

and the heels didn’t hurt!!! cheers la.

yesterday, i had a pleasant dream.

i dreamt i was in the first day of university and that i was waiting for classes to start; i would be studying literature after 3 years of hiatus! there was a tremor of excitement within me and at that moment i saw the clock, it was six o’clock in the morning.

six? i never woke up at six, and it was only during ns that.

my guard comm woke me up. time to collect rations he said.

he was right. it was seven thirty.