it is 5.30 in the morning, i just reached home because night owl decided to take its time as night passes into day and i am beyond tired. samsim was right, would this be a job that would last you a lifetime, would this be something you ll sacrifice everything for and i am very afraid now because these days i do not know if wholeheartedly is a good word, i do not know if i wld embrace an utterly laid back sort of lifestyle, like a beach boy. but what i do know is that my mom has paid everything for me and this is the sort of money i will work my life off to pay her back, because there has simply been too much love in it for me to let her down. but i don’t want to let myself down either, but what do i really mean by letting myself down? these days i do not have much of an answer and i think that is really sad, if only consolable by the fact that almost no one in this world has answers to anything. but should that fact make me any happier?

questions and answers, and when stella was a diver she was always down and at least she had some sort of permanent tangibility to it.

and then it’s over, 2 years and 4 months and it’s really something i could have done without. enough laments, ord lo.

tomorrow, tomorrow shall be my last day in the singapore armed forces and funnily enough despite the angst that has tormented me throughout my conscription, the past few days have been one of surreality and non-hatred. i suppose the 420 per month for doing absolutely nothing (with the exception of the 40kg workouts on an occasionally daily basis) was an actual incentive but too much has changed within the past 28 months that all i really feel is an emotional recess and cold hardened scabs. it’s over, a part of my life is behind me and i have to forget it and move on, we all do.

how many tunnels are left behind us as we drill ahead?

these are tepid tiring days and i think there is an extent to which i can talk before everything recoils and generate a feedback that paralyzes me; i love being in the service industry but sometimes i wonder how much of myself can i give to others without compromising the necessary personal space i give myself – it’s not so much an intrusion as much as opening the doors to my world but i don’t suppose i make any sense.

these days people just come and go and i think i may forget truly dear friends and this terrifies me.

from sharlene teo who got it from rachel wong who got it from… this feels like 6 degrees of seperation.

Last Cigarette: swept? in timbre at 7pm yesterday.

Last Alcoholic Drink: served? at 11.10pm.

Last Car Ride: pilfered? kox’s two sats back.

alright let’s make this the meme it was originally supposed to be.

Last Kiss: when mom did so. uh, last year i think. when i fucked up a’s again.

Last Good Cry: three weeks back.

Last Library Book: i honestly can’t remember. i either borrow or buy.

Last book Bought: memories of my melancholy whores. marquez.

Last Book Read: a periodic table.

Last Movie Seen in Theatres: match point.

Last Movie Rented: never rent movies.

Last Cuss Word Uttered: oh fuck!

Last Beverage Drank: ginger ale from the tap.

Last Food Consumed: chee chong fun spaghetti. ask…. ah well nvm.

Last Crush: han chae young.

Last Phone Call: 5 mins?

Last TV Show Watched: boston legal.

Last Time Showered: 10 hours ago. …. wth.

Last Shoes Worn: rockportttt.

Last CD Played: with love and squalor

Last Item Bought: the bends by radiohead for 10 dollars.

Last Download: naruto 303.

Last Annoyance: at this shop at meridien for not stocking more varieties of a&f.

Last Disappointment: tonight?

Last Soda Drank: yesterday night.

Last Thing Written: yesterday night.

Last Key Used: obviously your house key right. how could you get into your house to use your comp otherwise.

Last Words Spoken: bye.

Last Sleep: 6.10am.

Last Ice Cream Eaten: macademia.

Last Chair Sat In: old comfy black patched up sofa hee hee

Last Webpage Visited: soccernet.

have you ever wondered that one day maybe two people who do not know each other would read via a friend’s links each other’s blogs and maybe fall in love with each other?

it’s almost too pretty to be true, and visceral writing from yours truly these days certainly doesn’t qualify.

it is raining now, i want to watch friends with money, i just talked to janice and i want to sleep again but i have work in two and a half hours’ time. i will check out the a&f clearance sale going on in town and maybe i will collect my hellblazer issues, but days these days fly by with a certain sense of recklessness and august draws impossibly closer; i don’t quite know what to feel these days but work has been fun and i have learnt a lot even though i earn peanuts. i ll earn more i guess, but for now i remain a pauper.

Maybe I’ve forgotten the name and the address
Of everyone I’ve ever known
It’s nothing I regret
Save it for another day
It’s the school exam and the kids have run away

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

I was upset you see
Almost all the time
You used to be a stranger
Now you are mine

I wouldn’t even trust you
I’ve not got much to give
We’re dealing in the limits
And we don’t know who with
You may think that I’m out of hand
That I’m naive, I’ll understand
On this occasion, it’s not true
Look at me, I’m not you

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

I was a short fuse
Burning all the time
You were a complete stranger
Now you are mine

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain about my wounded heart

Just wait till tomorrow
I guess that’s what they all say
Just before they fall apart

Regret – New Order

i am taken, used, discarded.

You knew in five minutes – But I knew in a sentence
You knew in five minutes – But I knew in a sentence

So why do we go – through all of this again?
Your eyes are flutterin’ – Such pretty wings.
A moth, flyin’ into the – Same old flame again
It never ends

It’s not like I dropped the bomb,
on my conscience mom
It takes fightin’ day and night
to make such a good thing die

Out, everyone out – I give too much shit a home
In my heart and mind – It gets me every time

So why do we go – Through all this shit again
Your eyes are Flutterin’ – Such pretty wings.
A moth flyin’ into me -The same old flame again

Old Flame – The Arcade Fire

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=hubris

inverse johari. do it for me please.

My ex is entirely non-existent.

Maybe I should start loving again because it is an entirely alien sensation to exist and to be stoic the whole time.

I love? No i don’t. i think it’s an incredibly sad thing because it gave me so much pain before i decided to shut everything off and it’s so incredibly difficult to start opening up again.

I don’t understand too many things, and i don’t know why there has to be war and strife in areas where deeply religious people live who kill other people in the name of their God. would God want anyone to die? and sometimes i wonder what the Old and New testaments are trying to say.

I lose track of who i was in the past. this is such a pretentious statement.

People say I’m a nice person? i don’t know. too many people have too many opinions of me.

Love is something i do not know these days anymore.

Somewhere, someone is torn apart by knowing that the person he/she likes fancies someone else other than the afore mentioned person and he/she quietly burns in the emotional hell that he/she has fashioned for him/herself.

I will always try to stick to my ideals. nothing should compromise them; i signed 30 extras cause of it as it is and i’m not going to waver.

Forever is something hopeful, and impossibly difficult to attain.

I never want to let my family or those who believed in me down again. but then it’s difficult too because these days i don’t quite believe in myself either.

I think the current US President is an absolute wanker who has utterly destabilised the world.

When I wake up in the morning i have to tiptoe around the place for 5 minutes before my tendinitis settle.

My past was feckless careless reckless but enjoyable.

I get annoyed when i cramp during a game. it’s damn sad please, and it’s telling you that your body isn’t what it used to be.

Parties are for gatherings and quiet musings on life. which doesn’t quite happen but i’m testing you!

My dog is like my ex.

My cat is like my dog.

Kisses are the best when you truly love someone. then again what would i know.

Tomorrow, i will serve my penultimate guard duty.

I really want to write the way i used to again. i just remembered one line

and maybe there are skeletons in her tied up hair
i have untieable hair,
is my closet bare?

and i wonder if i could regain my literary sensitivity again.

I have low tolerance for people who lie to me intentionally and hurtfully.

stolen from wurh.com, so pilfer this if you will.