today, i finally purchased my ipod and like any good owner i should come up with a name for it! i chose l’esprit d’escalier because it’s pretty but surely the spirit should have a name! i mean, it can’t possibly be just known as Spirit of the Stairways because that would be so…nounish, if my grammar definitions are correct and so ladies and gentlemen who peruse this blog, please come up with a pretty female name like rachael or soemthing because i have spent much thought on it and somehow making Spirit a Him for the sake of brotherhood and all isn’t as compelling as having an yin to my yang so hur hur.

please contact me the way you know it for submissions and know that your contributions will be fondly appreicated.

i got this off xiaozheng’s blog and it’s so bleeding funny. click on the links to hear their whole album; it’s positively wicked.

it’s 3.39 a.m. and i think it’s going to rain and somehow that makes me happy.

these have been emotionally tiring and exhausting days; i feel like a reject of society living off its crumbs and i never realised it was such a shitty thing to be out of a job; even slugging it out through the army in tepid days was much preferable to this. staying at home on a daily basis is wearying, and sometimes you have the opportunity to think too much and usually that isn’t a good thing. or maybe it is, but i’m not quite too sure of it and there are many things i am uncertain of these days. these days is a word i often use especially with the approach of a new watermark, and a lamented departure but i suppose i will persist with it nonetheless because no other word i know would have a similar resonance. there is a recess in my heart, and a worry that i might have been too fervent to fill it and it saddens me muchly.

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll take care of me
When I die, will I go

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I’m tired

There’s a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head

Oh I’m scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don’t want to be the one
Left in there, left in there

There’s a man on the horizon
Wish that I’d go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head

So here’s hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend I don’t want to go
To the seal’s watershed

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll take care of me
When I die, Will I go

Hope there’s someone
Who’ll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I’m tired

Hope There’s Someone – Antony and the Johnsons

the fundamental irritating thing about soulseek would probably just be that the tracks are ripped off cds which means ALL THE NUMBERS COME BEFORE THEM and it just screws up my naming track philosophies.

i shall be pedantic and rename them now; it’s a lazy day it rained at seven in the morning and i feel vaguely contented at my state of pennilessness.

this probably isn’t the first time, but events i encounter usually remind me of dreams i previously had and it is almost uncanny how true they were. i remembered how once upon a time i dreamt that i had mixed up a food order and i had to fork out an enormous sum of compensation and that happened yesterday; i dreamt of my camp once and that it was a depressing place; i dreamt of my results and it wasn’t pleasant either and for some reason it is the shitty stuff that i think of in my sleep that goes through the realm of the dreaming to the physical. and so i wonder, how will i end and if i will actually know about them before they actually happen because in that case what’s life with predictability even though you may have forgotten about them.

“To carry on our crossbar a girl you so desire and be so far from her as not to be able even to fall in love with her: carry her on your crossbar along Viale Goriza to help her blong to someone else, and vanish from my life.”

The Periodic Table – Primo Levi

i do not think there exists a greater agony than this because it is sad and maudlin and utterly depressing but i believe that when that day arrives i will be the cyclist even though i do not know how to cycle because sometimes all that matters is making the woman of your dreams happy. this sounds sad and heroically pretentious but there honestly isn’t any way around it.

i just told sharlene that one day i shall die from empathy and perhaps i shall, but for now i shall probably perish from poverty so please all donate to the Help Pak Fund kthnxbye.

it’s been a terribly fucked up day; a misplaced order culminated in a domino-like effect of orders and compensations which resulted in me forking out 100 dollars just because a customer walked away; and god only knows how long it has been since i last spent a hundred in a day because i simply do not have that sort of amount in my bank allowance any more. three boxes of comics, novels, cds, food and handphone usage over the past four years have whittled it all away and so folks the moral of the story is that you should never spend all your money until you’re 21 and you know what’s good to spend on.

i cried at 11.45 p.m in front of edward because what he said was right, that if didnt learn my lesson now (cause and effect results of the service industry) and that when i started working and i made a mistake, it would invariably result in my family being implicated because it would then compromise the reputation of my hotel and hence dragging them down with me when i got fired and sued, i somehow instinctively thought of the bastard wanker and i just couldn’t take it. truth edward spoke he did and troth but in a way i am grateful i’ve made this mistake now but while part of me felt that the fine was deservedly so, i cant but instinctively feel i was made a scapegoat for some of the food the gm assumed was my fault when it wasn’t; it was a mix up of two tables, one an irate one and the other just a stupid bunch of kids who just weren’t magnanimous enough. so alright fuck them, fuck the leavers, fuck this world and fuck me for making myself so poor in the first place. oh and fuck the gm too, even though i know he’s right which makes it infinitely more irritating; i don’t deserve ALL of the fine, and some judge of fairness should agree with me.

i didn’t even eat any of the food i paid, for crying out loud. and it was like, 1 seafood platter, 2 pork ribs, 1 shrimp and mussels pizza oh wow ftw indeed.

thank god for friends though, much <3 to jac and kox and viv and jan who were great company even though i like, broke my nail on a couch at loof like zomgwtfbbq?! much love to jac again for waiting for me and the same to mister matsuo; we didn’t understand each other much but hell yeah professionalism ftw pls.

it is 3.24 a.m, i am spent and exhausted so maybe before i leave i will leave behind a song.

if i am lost for a day; try and find me
but if i don’t come back, then i won’t look behind me
all of the things that i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day
december is the darkest and june is the light but this empty bedroom won’t make anything right
while out on the landing a friend i forgot to send home
who waits up for me all through the night
calendar girl whos in love with the world stay alive
calendar girl whos in love with the world stay alive
i dreamed i was dying; as i so often do
and when i awoke i was sure it was true
i ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
and said whoever is up there,please don’t let me die
but i can’t live forever,i can’t always breath
one day i’ll be sand on a beach by a sea
the pages keep turning, i’ll mark off each day with a cross
and i’ll laugh about all that we’ve lost
calendar girl who is lost to the world
stay alive
calendar girl who is lost to the world stay alive
january,february,march,april,may i’m alive
june,july,august,september,october i’m alive
november,december,yah all through the winter, i’m alive
i’m alive

Calendar Girl – Stars

a band called stars is probably cliched and tacky but honestly their musick is anything unlike their name; i wanted to post up charlemagne but i cannot find the lyrics to their poem and i think i’ve found a band that has as lovely a name as rufus wainwright and rachael yamagata, so what is it, name collecting on an annual basis?

i honestly don’t know and i am thoroughly weary. good night.

i was having a dream, and i wonder if memories saved a mental image of almost everything in our lives where anything or anyone we looked at is catalogued into our minds, only for it to randomly summon these slide shows in dreams on its own fickle will and conjure scenes in which we would have given almost everything to be part of in reality. yesterday i thought i had found the love of my life and i was bending over to kiss her when the phone rang.

yesterday i was waitering at a wedding and i thought it was happy jubilant sweet and sad.

i don’t quite know what to say but the past four days have been an emotional maelstorm and this is the right thing to do, you old sod.

two and a half months would never have been enough.

and so how would you react if the love of your life suddenly turns to you one day and tells you that she wanted to leave you because she has another love in her life. what would you say, what would you do, how would you die?