you wrote that for him and not for me, and maybe that’s all i am, an afternote, an afterthought on a separate continent thousands of miles away.

“When someone drives 40mins and stands in line for 30mins just to buy you very overpriced cupcakes, it’s easy to feel like love, it’s easy to want it to be love. When it’s not, everyone feels a little disappointed, but baby it doesn’t have to be hard, you just need to say goodbye.”

- Jesley

when it’s not, if it’s not but how true is it, how difficult is it. too many people around me speak the truth these days, and someday i must embrace it. it has been an exhaustative week, the tiny hoh will get his grades on monday and i wish him the best. but before that, you, you and you, i wish you love.

this, like so many other things these days, is quite sad.

loss is never an acceptable thing i guess, especially when it’s one of incandescent beauty.

Tinkerbell, my winged friend, I think we got it wrong.
No fairy tale or happy ending, just prehistoric songs.
A crystal in my baby’s eyes, I want what I can’t love
So now i’ve learnt how to despise, I think i’ve learnt enough…..

If blood is blood, then blood will flow -
That’s all it does, that’s all it knows
But i’ve one question, I want something,
I want more.
So flesh is flesh, an urgent fire
It drags you down, this cheap desire.

We all want something, maybe beauty,

Maybe more……

Absolution, constitution, leave it all behind
Take off your shirt, your worried face, and let me lose your mind.
I thought that I might change the world, but all I changed was me..
So now I sleep most days and think of where this all might lead.

Oh blood is blood, and blood will flow -
That’s all it does, that’s all it knows
But i’ve one question, I want something,
I want more.
So flesh is flesh, an urgent fire
It drags you down, this cheap desire
We all want something, maybe beauty,
Maybe more……

Blood will rain a little,
Down each mountainside -
Every cloud will bring you……
Here.

Oh blood is blood, and blood will flow -
That’s all it does, that’s all it knows
But i’ve one question, I want something,
I want more.
So flesh is flesh, an urgent fire
(So flesh is flesh, and it twists the soul)
It drags you down, this cheap desire
(Like a tourniquet, like a begging bowl)
We all want something, maybe beauty,
(Like some long forbidden treasure in the dirt….)
Maybe more……
Oh blood is blood, and blood will flow -

(Blood is Blood, and it’s on our hands)
That’s all it does, that’s all it knows
(That’s the price of grace for the common man)
But i’ve one question, I want something,
(For that one good hour you pay with all your life)
I want more.
I want more.

Blood is Blood – Nerina Pallot

why is it a pain. but that has been more final than anything said so far.

—————-

a person from my past said “anything long distance is bound to fuck up, if you think that things never change. ” and that’s probably my fault, really.

today i met yange, the first friend that i’ve met in swissland and she brings a certain sense of calm and stability. sometimes you wonder if you can turn back time and undo all the things you ve done but it’s a silly notion, and you have to live on with all the guilt and luggage and continue to trudge on, losing parts of yourself along the way and you’ll never be whole again.

that’s the way life is innit, and jesley’s new year’s wish for me in 2005 will probably never materialise.

“some things are not always about time. in a minute there is time, for decisions and revisions that a minute will reverse. some things are not up to time to change; not everything falls under the category that is transition and meanwhile we hope that everything works out fine.”

Risse

it has been a turbulent week and a blister on my left hand suffered on wednesday reminds me never to touch a baking grill without gloves; my readings have piled up and maybe it’s time to stop exercising so much and focus on what i’m supposed to, but sometimes focus comes hard especially when you’re utterly myopic. there is no poetry in my soul these days, no songs to sing across magnolia fields and winter approaches steady, surely, definitively and all there is now is a gaping recess in my heart. i think i fell in love with rachael yamagata again, she of japanese, italian and german roots and here is what she has to say.

“I try my best to write of love and pain and explore how we humans treat each other, and what our souls are trying to get out at the same time. Performing is my meditation; writing my traveling companion. These songs are as truthful and in the moment as I could be at this point in my life. They are observational, touching, but with a sense of hopefulness that every piece, and each bit of pain had a reason. So that nothing is wasted. The never can be happenstance.”

i never recalled seeing this in the album cover, but at least it is safely in the hands of mr miles. these days words fail me and then snow will fall across the mountains and the lake, and everything will turn to ice.

mm secksy

don’t worry i’ll be in more control of myself in the future; it will never happen again.

Colin and Jocelyn

ten years from now, i know i will be mired in this rat race, this schedule of waking early in the morning to go to a hotel to work and finish in the wee hours of the morning, seven days a week, half a century of weeks per year. i will not have any time for anything that i love to do, and sometimes i wonder if i should have just gone to ngee ann and be a journalist because at least i will have time for myself, at least i will find love, at least i will be my own man. it’s not that i’m unappreciative of my current vocation, but i met this executive of disney who’s doing his pgd studies here and he earns what, 35k USD a month and he wants to leave because he wants to have some time to spend on himself, and there’s really only so much freedom money can buy. imagine that, 840k usd a year! but life, life isn’t always about money.

but for now, it is, and i will have to pay my mom off before i consider any other options.

2 hours ago, i noticed the matte textured surface of my space button has begun to erode and it has only been 4 weeks. time flies like butterflies, and dies like a mayfly and there’s nothing we can do about it.

the previous post was entirely unwarranted and unnecessary and so i’ve deleted it; yesterday at three am an epiphany arrived over semiconscious penmenship and maybe one of these days it will be revealed.

today it stopped raining, but it was still fucking cold; tomorrow i’ve an accounting test and on wednesday i will have service again.

time runs clockwise and spirals to a point, but it will be different from where we started.

and dammit lar, liverpool lost to chelski again. what the son.

because love like wine, ages with time.

this place hasn’t been updated in ages, and i feel an odd sense of responsibility to it because it is an incandescently lovely word that ought to be given the respect it deserves. i had a talk with jesley yesterday, and she said something that reverberated throughout my entire soul, that if i felt like i had to wait for someone, it should be a subconscious action and not just one of determined resolve and i just realised that yes, this is something that i always wanted to do! and i am not  saying this for the purview of the world but because i m willing to, and it’s not a physical desire as much as an odd sort of dedication to someone i truly love.

we haven’t really talked since i snapped at her the other time and i wondered if i had pushed her away since that fateful wednesday through the typical insecurities that breed within me and well, if this is it i don’t really have anything to say. the whole day has been one of maelstorms, and this is something i can certainly avoid. maybe this is it then, my fate, the way closure would occur and the boy who loved so ferociously would have no one to love because it’s simply the best punishment for his wilful ways.