Damien Rice – The Blower’s Daughter

it’s raining again, and this together with damien rice brings about a salient sort of peace. i need to stop using the word salient because it is rarely as beautiful as it sounds and this could be misleading, like lies,  like snowflakes to a child.

i don’t quite know how to describe the past few weeks, and i don’t think i ever will, only that it’s a necessary stage of life that i have to go through more so than others, and that’s that.

there’s no one else to talk to other than this space on cyber realm that i own because that’s how things go, quietly, mercilessly, impeccably.

because that’s how things go.

Little Things – Arms and Legs

saturday was spent shivering in the cold because i stayed too long down in montreux in only my shorts and a polo shirt, meeting up with old friends and reading graham greene in the sun by lake geneva three hours before; there is much truth in what he writes and the voices of maurice and sarah will echo with me in the days to come:

“It is a strange thing to discover and believe that you are loved, when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love.
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He tells me often that he has never loved another woman so much. He thinks that by saying it often, he will make me believe it. But I believe it simply because i love him in exactly the same way. If I stopped loving him, I would cease to believe in his love.
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Make me believe. I shut my eyes tight and i pressed my nails into the palms of my hands until I could feel nothing but the pain, and I said, I will believe. Let him be alive, and I will believe. Give him a chance. Let him have his happiness. Do this and I’ll believe. But that wasn’t enough. It doesn’t hurt to believe. So I said, I love him and I’ll do anything fif you;ll make him alive, I said very slowly, I’ll give him up for ever, only let him be alive with a chance, and I pressed and pressed and I could feel the skin break, and I said, people can love without seeing each other, can’t they, they love You all the lives without seeing You and then he came in at the door, and he was alive, and I thought now the agony of being without him starts, and I wished he was safely back dead again under the door.”

the sun was in my eyes and i cringed as i turned each page slowly, sadly; foreshadowing of a book is never a good thing, it leads to the inevitable knowledge of a definite sadness.

Strange Condition – Pete Yorn

goddamn the stupid masses.

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and there’s nothing much i can say but this week has been one of complete disappointments and rage. there’s too many things to say, but i won’t, and there’s too many kilometres away from home for me to talk to anyone properly.

everyone has their own lives, i have to start leading mine, less idealistically, less faith in that meritocracy will take you places because it simply doesn’t, that there actually is fairness in this world.

two drunk chefs at the fore, i wonder how this banquet will turn out.

Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset – Modest Mouse

contrary to popular belief (or maybe it’s a fact which everyone has known about for ages) i do not think that i will make a good lover; i will love too ferociously, i will live too fecklessly, i will burn out like a moth in a flame and self actualization will precede physiological needs which will prove contrary to Maslow’s fucking theory of needs. there will be too much expectations, and too much jealousy and anger and hate at both me and her and reading graham greene’s the end of the affair only serves to remind me of how remarkably similar i am to maurice bendrix and i do not want to be like that. it is pettiness of a microscopic scale and surely there can be better people than that. but then again it’s love, and love is the greatest emotion present in each and everyone of us so how can anything related to it be trivialised? these are questions to which i have no answers for, only that i have pledged myself to live by it, to find it, and wear my heart on my sleeve, the old adage being more literal than anything else which i have said here.

i do not think i will make a good lover and i know this for a fact. i am too romanticised, too idealistic, and those two have no place in this world.

Plasticities – Andrew Bird

this is fucking awesome stuff:

The Gary Payton Story

I mentioned this to Dime, but here is the whole story. What was funny was Calvin used to come to me after we played Miami and was like, “Man, by minute, you scored the most points on GP. Do you have a problem with GP?” And so I told him how I don’t have a problem with him but when I was a rookie I just got a starting position and we were playing the Sonics and you bring up the ball and he gives you that little smirk, like the “What do you belong on the court for?” smirk, so it’s intimidating. You know, he’s The Glove. So all that comes together and he starts pushing up and you get nervous with the ball and now you’re on the other end and you have to stick him on defense and you’re thinking, “I’m stronger than him,” and he’s posting you up and then he takes on the center because there’s a switch and he posts the center up and still scores easy and you’re like, “Oh shoot, what the hell is this?” So he scored like 16 of the Sonics 20 points in the first quarter. I’ve never been so happy to get subbed out of a game. It was the only game ever where a coach subbed me out and I ran to the bench happy.

So coach subbed me out, right, and I’m like, “Woooo. Oh my God.” Bobby Sura goes in for me and I’m like, “Good luck Bobby, that man is on FIRE.” So, I’m sitting there and as soon as Bobby gets subbed in he gets subbed back out and I’m thinking, “Yo, coach, sub me back in!” The Sonics put Randy Livingston in for Payton and I’m thinking, “Coach! Coach! I think I can play against him!” But no, he matched me up with GP again when GP came in during the second half. So, during a free throw we were both standing next to each other at half court and he was like, “You’re lucky I’m no A.I. type of player or I’d have scored 50 on you in the first half!” And I’m thinking in my mind, “You’re damn right! You aren’t lying.”

So from that day on, every time he got floor I went at him just because of that. You know, I couldn’t talk trash to him, you can’t talk trash to him. There was nothing I had to say, I just had to try to score as many points as I could on him to try to make him try to feel the way he made me feel that day. Now I go after the rookies whenever I get the chance just because of what GP did to me. You know, I used to fear him. Whenever I was working out I was thinking, “This is to get ready for GP. I got to see GP four times, GP four times…” And then when he went to Milwaukee I was like, “Yes! Only GP two times, GP two times…”

this is gilbert arenas for chrissakes, and god knows how many players he’s actually afraid of.

Melt Your Heart – Jenny Lewis and The Watson Twins

i never expected to cry for theodere bagwell, but i did.

there’s a sore spot in the left corner of my left eye and maybe extreme perspectives tend to skew your vision a little; maybe i did become blind, maybe i’ll fail my mom all over again, maybe i shouldn’t wear contacts for my next basketball game.

it is a beautiful summer day today, more beautiful than anything my soul can ever aspire to be but there are certain songs i did like to sing.

Time Slip – L’arc en Ciel

i just played in one of the most magnificent soccer games in my life, witnessed the best goal ever in which chris paik jinked his way through 4 people from the sides, cut into the box and laid it off for norwegian christopher to smash in from an acute angle and it was just gorgeous, simply gorgeous in both assist and finish and i dont think that many mondays would have been lovely as this; 18 blokes running relentlessly, determinedly against each other in the very first time they met before laughing at one another on the trip back up the mountain. my balls got smashed, my leftback had cramps on either calves, chris nearly had two own goals which warranted amazing reaction saves from our keeper and it was all worth it, it really was.

it’s going to be a better year.

Geek Love – Nerina Pallot

because in light of certain revelations, there has scarcely been a less appropriate title; what doesn’t kill you returns to kill you again and sometimes that’s how it is, that’s how things go.
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you sent me this song more than a year ago, and i wonder how you are now. talk to me, because some sense has to be shared, stories told, songs written.
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introduction to events start tomorrow morning at nine in the morning, and so will third year a year later, before the working life sets in. i’ve once griped about the brevity of a student’s lifespan, but maybe it won’t be that bad a thing when there’s a constant deluge of work to keep your mind off things. it’s never a good thing to be idle and maybe i should really finish graham greene’s the end to the affair. afterall, there has scarcely been a less beautiful place to submerge myself into.
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i told debbie i was going to kill myself in the gym, and i almost dropped the weights on my windpipe when doing the benchpress. it is the seventh month now, and the ghost of pak whispers softly, quietly.