Too Little Too Late (Jo Jo Cover) – Daniel Rossen of Grizzly Bear

four months, and it has finally arrived. while i would like to say that i this has been the moment i have been dying for, too much has happened over the third of a year for me to be truly enthusiastic about it. what i can say however, is that too much has been lost for this to be considered a spent experience and i will grasp this with both hands, tightly, firmly, vise-like because i really should stop operating on cruise control; it’s not a matter of how capable you are, but how much you want it, and wanting is something that i haven’t done enough of in my life; perhaps for people, but i think it’s about time i started wanting a thing, because that is something you can work towards with a singleminded purpose; but people, people are too complex, and i’ve the emotional iq of a fuckwit for it to ever work out.

so, WORK. be unfeckless, be unreckless, be focused, be determined, and don’t let your inner bastards get you down. WORK. it starts tomorrow, SO WORK PAK, THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

Sunday Afternoon – Rachael Yamagata

It’s a choice
to stay
It’s a dream
& I wanna wake

You have blood on your hands
and I’m feeling faint
And honey
You can’t decide

I’m a drug
Ya don’t wanna give up
Smoke your cigarettes
Make your love

You poured blood in my heart
and I can’t get enough
I’m drowning, drowning
and you can’t decide

It’s not about geography, or happenstance
you need to fly, & take a chance
You don’t need to soar to emptiness
Float on high, & forever dance alone

Your scared, scared, scared
cuz I feel like home

Hear your voice
Knew right away
If you were here
your eyes would say

There is blood on my feet
as I’m walking away
Rivers are red
Its starting to rain

I’m not gonna live for you
or die for you
Won’t do anything anymore for you
Cuz you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side

(repeat 3 more times)

Not gonna shed one more tear for you
shed one more tear for you
I’m not gonna shed one more tear for you

At least not til Sunday Afternoon
Sunday Afternoon

Leave or Stay
Leave or Stay

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it’s actually sunday evening on the cusp of a monday morning, but this song remains as pertinent as ever. in the gym today, i told myself to stop loving, to stop embracing an ideal because at the end of the day who’s going to remember me as the boy who loved as much as the boy who screwed up his life?

there’s more to say, but these days i’m wordless, listless and those are the only appropriate words. work and academics comes first regardless of everything else, and i have to start learning that.

No One’s Gonna Love You – Band of Horses

it was one of the best games of football that i have ever seen, with every important criteria that a compelling game should have:

Yellow Cards
Red Card
Shots off the Posts
Spectacular Saves
Mazzy Dribbles That Went Somewhere
Vision
Last Ditch Tackles
Penalties
Penalties Saved
Penalties Missed
Blood, Sweat and Tears

but the saddest story of the night would be for terry and amidst the euphoria of emotions surrounding me as everyone celebrated, i can’t help but feel for this fierce defender, who had done everything required of him, who had carried his team on his back, but only to slip up  (metaphorically or otherwise) at the end which just makes things infinitely worse; to carry everyone’s hopes on your shoulders and to blow it at the end is possible the worst thing to happen to anyone.

which is the exact same thing as i am feeling right now, not that i expect anyone to understand. but at least he has his teammates, a band of brothers who will be there for him, a band of horses.

Waiting For Superman (Flaming Lips Cover) – Brooke

http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=thebrooke&p=r

it’s almost stalkerish, but she has a really awesome voice and things like this should be shared.

(i think she’s really pretty too.)

—————————–

these days have been one of waiting and almost helplessness as i fret incessantly about the procession of my permit. one two three four months have swung by without a result and a final outcome should be due any day now, but.

i have never quite experienced something quite like this before, and there is much infuriation and anger, but there is nothing i can do and that just makes things infintely worse. 1500 chfs of my savings, the only month i can spend in singapore in a year, a century’s worth of days all for almost naught.

there has to be a closure of sorts, there has to be. it’s either that, or just karmic retribution for what i did in the second half of 2007, and if it’s so, i guess i’ll have learnt muchly then.

Romeo and Juliet – Dire Straits

A lovestruck romeo sing a streetsuss serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient street light steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?

Juliet says hey it’s romeo you nearly gimme a heart attack
He’s underneath the window she’s singing hey la my boyfriend’s back
You shouldn’t come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you gonna do about it?

Juliet the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded into my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet?

Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin
Now you just say oh romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above and I love you till I die
There’s a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet?

I can’t do the talk like they talk on the TV
And I can’t do a love song like the way it’s meant to be
I can’t do everything but I’d do anything for you
I can’t do anything except be in love you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
And all I do is keep th beat and bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Julie I’d do the stars with you any time

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above I’ll love you till I die
And there’s a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet?

A lovestruck romeo sings a streetsuss serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?
——————————

so how about it, now.

Little Bombs – Aimee Mann

tsulyn asked me today what i thought my gift was and i said “the capacity to love” in a very serious, untacky sort of way but it’s not the sort of thing that you can say it out loud is it. at any rate i was lying because i do not think i have any gifts, and i think my ability to love passed on some time ago, rended apart by fecklessness, futility, its own hubris and inclination to self-destruction.

there’s not much left, and part of me wishes that i could change some things, but sometimes certain things are a bit too late.

That’s How I Know This Story Would Break My Heart – Aimee Mann

Stuart  

And another thing. Beforehand, you think: when I grow up I will love someone, and I hope it goes right, but if it goes wrong I’ll love another person, and if that goes wrong I’ll love another person. Always assuming that you can find these people in the first place and that they’ll let you love them. What you expect is that love, or the ability to love, is always there, waiting. I was going to say, waiting with the engine running. You see that temptation of Oliver-speak? But I don’t think that love – and life – are like that. You can’t make yourself love someone, and you can’t, in my experience, make yourself stop loving someone. In fact, if you want to divide people up in the matter of love, I’d suggest doing it this way: some people are fortunate, or unfortunate , enough to love several people, either one after the other, or overlapping; while other people are fortunate, or unfortunate, enough to be able to love once in their life. They love once, and whatever happens, it doesn’t go away. Some people can only do it once. I’ve come to realize that I’m one of those.

Love, etc – Julian Barnes

i was on bus number 29  when i read this, and the concatenation of words events and maudlinity came together to strike me at once. it was at torrington avenue, i recalled, torrid torrington avenue.

———————–

dinner was pork with ginger and spring onions, and chinese leaves. it’s the small things that matter, ultimately.

Sad Eyes – Josh Rouse

it seemed like the only appropriate thing to say but there’s more, but that’s between the sofa, the duvet, my funny bone and me. it’s a pact of silence, a wordless curl, not that you would ever ask.

i’m not sure what it is either.

————————

it’s spring at last, and its colours are green and marigold; i pulled open the curtains and a shower of leaves blew by in front of me.

————————

i found julian barnes’ Love,etc in a cardboard box outside holloway park along with other several other books and an english lady came by and said those books were meant for distribution; it’s part of this programme by www.bookcrossing.com where an individual leaves his book to be picked up by strangers, who will continually leave it to pass it onto others.

it’s a serendipity trip of sorts, and it was the prettiest thing i’ve heard in a long time.

Inside My Mind (Blue Skies) – Groove Armada

Happy Mother’s Day, heng seoh gek. it’s not like you’ll ever find this place, but in the slightest event that one day you might want to google your name or find out what frolics your son engaged in online, i hope you’ll see this, and know that you’ve been a terrific mother, and that there’s nothing i could do to return the enormous amount of love you’ve given me.

Happy Mother’s Day, teo ah lee, but i dont think you’ll ever quite put your hands on a keyboard, disdainful of technology as you are. you’re the best ah ma any grandson can have, and no one can ever quite replace you.

happy mother’s day, the both of you.