woke up this more to a gooey/hooey pain that suffused itself through my body and yes andi, i know exactly what you are saying.
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andrew belton asked us a few days ago if we were motivated by losing or by winning and in a crystal clear moment i realised that everything was done because i hated losing with a vengeance and it applied to all aspects of my life other than love.
that is a perfection i seek, which is why i let myself get hurt again again and again because there simply cannot be any compromises. there is no poetry in it, only grit and pain and sheerminded determination and nothing else.
other than a heart.
but he needs something to believe in again because just living for a conclusion is no way to live, even if it’s the most compelling.
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there is no purpose in just a purpose; it is just purported to be so, just like variations of a word. word/wyrd/wird/wirt one thing leads to another and we just go astray in the combinations and permutations of alphabets and letters.
i derived an epiphany from dear emilyn as i was talking to her today: that if things do work out it would be a miracle and the impossibility of the situation is such that if a positive resolution is reached it would only be by the divine intervention of Him above, and it would be appropriate that a person who lives by Love would be converted by the possibility of being able to Love. but until anything happens it’s just a theoretical exercise in theology, so.
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aim of the year = a 90% average/to retain a championship/to retain love, or a friendship.
[edit] a friendship
there’s too much silence, there’s too much pain, there’s too many words to say and voices to be heard but frequently there are of another person’s. school has started, there’s only two weeks of winter holidays to be had and i wished i knew where i was going. i know where i want to go, and all i need is an affirmation of sorts, but these days this seem less likely with each passing day. there is a recess in my heart, and i don’t think i will ever forget that sunday afternoon because it was so precious, it was that precious.
there’s too many questions to be asked but only one answer is needed.
there were stars, there were moonlit nights, there were the climbing of trees, there were walks in the parks, there were talks in the swings, and then there was you. it has been a remarkable three weeks, and there’s nothing i wouldn’t give for more time with you, but then again that’s just life.
but the world’s a small place, and we will meet again because i promised and i don’t fancy breaking invisible forged bonds across distances, and so we will meet again, we will meet again, if only because i can’t imagine not seeing you ever because that would be a thought too terrible to bear.
