Click Click Click Click – Bishop Allen

what is this thing with my heart. it keeps skipping a beat. i should just go and sleep.

That’s How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart – Aimee Mann

what is there to say other than goodbye, what is there to say other than 再见, au revoir, aufwiedersehen?

i have to start packing up, i have to convince myself that i finally have to go, that one can never stay too long in one place, lest he/she gets too attached to it, and i suppose that’s why i’m in this industry, to minimise heartaches, and to be infinitely practical except that i am none of the above and that .. yeh.

i will miss the corridors, i will miss the chefs, i will miss the teachers, i will miss the way the train pulls up into the school and i will miss the russians, serbians, indians and.

this should suffice, i think, this should suffice.

Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division

there are many things to say, many things to lament, and there are times when words simply fail you and this is one of them. closures are never easy so i never try to think of them that way; there’s continuation, there’s progress of sorts, there will be a day where everyone will meet one another again and where we will continue on from where we left off. but will that happen, is that likely to happen, and somehow the eternal optimist in me replies in the negative.

it has been a fruitful two and a half years on caux and i wished i were capable of waxing more poetry, more poignant images and memories: cooking, talking, tokajing, ice sculpting, deboning salmon with jean-pierre; dotaing with ilya and dima, basketball in between lessons, staying in a palace, talking to yuliya, not being able to say goodbye to osama “shake” al-rumaihi, leaving yet another life behind, and i wonder how much of myself i can keep giving without being completely devasted. i am not made of this, i cant be made for this and there are certain answers which i should not have to answer. i stopped thinking and feeling a few days ago, to numb myself for this eventuality, but in switzerland everything coalesces, everything snowballs, and it just gathers and rolls down in an indomitable, irrefutable path and what do you do then pak, what do you do then. do you run, do you hide, do you let it take you in its path or do you resist the initial impact, and try to live with the consequences?

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i didn’t leave without saying goodbye just to be in this state, and somehow, my decision is clear.

there is a certain element of maudliness which folds me into half with knees up to my chin, and where i have to arrive at a conclusion.

it is never meant to be, pak, it is just simply never meant to be. and it has been such a long time that things have been so painful that i have to stop typing.

fade like a ghost pak, fade like a ghost, afterall, what memories does a ghost have.

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graduation, and my teacher gave me  a word of advice which i just remembered, and should hold dear. “hold your tongue, nicholas, wait and see what kind of person he is, and then decide if he will value your opinions. you are too honest, you are too straightforward, you are too impatient, see and wait and decide.”

but what i failed to tell him was that i was terrible at reading people and their intents.
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we are ghosts, we are all ghosts, walking down hallowed alleyways and past memories.
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MY MOTHER NEVER FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH MY FATHER

She’s kept her love for him as alive as the summer they first met. In order to do this, she’s turned life away. Sometimes she subsists for days on water and air. Being the only complex life-form on Earth to do this, she should have a species named after her. Once Uncle Julian told me hwo the sculptor and painter Alberto Giacometti said that sometimes just to paint a head you have to give up the whole figure. To paint a leaf, you have to sacrifice the whole landscape. It might seem like you’re limiting yourself at first, but after a while you realize that having a quarter-of-an-inch of something you have a better chance of holding on to a certain feeling of the universe than if you pretended to be doing the whole sky.

My mother did not choose a leaf or a head. She chose my father, and to hold on to a certain feeling, she sacrificed the whole world.

-Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

so whom will you sacrifice yourself for pak, probably the whole world, but then again you have nothing in return, so why do you continually do that.

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Yellow Submarine – The Beatles

there is something fascinating about winter roads; they sparkle incessantly like countless diamond dust sprinkled across asphalt. it’s quiet in a way, incandescent in another.

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it is four fourty four in the morning ( i lie, but i’m really just three minutes away from the truth) and there is a sense of symmetry in the twilight. entre chiens et loups, i read somewhere, and there is a cadence in that resonance of those words, and somehow the beatles seems like the best fit tonight. two of us just came on, and there is a sense of warmth and familarity all around.

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this is it pak, this is it.

Lover, You Should Have Come Over – Jeff Buckley

Image by Cliff Mautner

Falling Slowly – Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

there is a certain sense of poignance, a certain sense of sadness and a certain sense of cadence in this song that tells you all is sad, all is sad, but it will be fine, it will be fine if only because. today a certain spectre returned to haunt me again, but maybe it has never left, because guilt in a simple person does amazing things, and it is even worse when he is a feckless one. four and three null digits, that’s what i gave up, that’s what i could have used to alleviate a bit of guilt, but it’s not to be, it’s not to be. will you ever learn, will you ever buckle down, will you ever change.

should haves could have would haves, and i need to start writing a new ending to a trite cliched story.

Late Night Conversation – Josh Rouse

it is the new year, it is the new year, there should be a fresh slate, there should be resolutions but all i am left with are reminiscences, regrets,  should-haves and could-haves.  you should stop doing this to yourself pak, but sometimes it is just too compelling to slip down a slippery slope, into habits. there should be fresh resolutions, and one of them should include stop being so emo! but like i told wen last night, i’m afraid of losing my soul, to a certain extent i am afraid of growing up, but there has to be a sense of responsibility towards my mom, towards myself, towards the real world, however one defines it as such. i extrapolate too much at times, and sometimes i should just live because it’s the only thing to do.

but there’s always hope, there’s always hope, even if it leads us on the wrong path, but at least it gives us a motive to live.

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josh always has something to say about my blog titles.