something has to be said about reading neil gaiman with koc at 4am mornings.
“Goodnight, House. Goodnight, Batcave. Goodnight, Mechanical Dinosaur. Goodnight, Batmobile. Goodnight, Alfred. Goodnight, Boy Wonder. Goodnight, Joker. Goodnight, all of you. Goodnight, Jim Gordan. Goodnight, Gotham City. Goodnight, Bat-signal. Goodbye,stars in the big night sky. Goodnight. Goodbye. Goodnight.”
i talk before i think/you shoot before you know/who’s in your line of fire/. recklessness, fecklessness, cliffsurfers.
“the last time we had this conversation you threw a loaf of bread at me.”
“i remember.”
“here.”
re-reading the sandman at the age of 24 brings a certain sense of perspective; things make more sense now, albeit invariably more morose and a bit sadder. we either change, or we die, but sometimes in life one can only change so much and that is true, but how much can i change before i stop being myself?
there are a few things that i want to say to you, and i have already revised my apology. but i have no idea how you will respond, or if that apology will ever have an opportunity to manifest itself.
sometimes in life, all i want to know is just why. why for instance, girlfriend came after fences, when it ought to have been the other way round but because i am boring and predictable, the answer is simply due to linearity.
i am tired and i want closure.
these days more than ever, it’s about words, and maybe one of these days i will start writing again. if there’s anything thankful about the absence of work, it is the fact that i have the time to read. i can’t say that i’ve discovered a new side of myself which i have never known, but i am grateful nonetheless.
chef jean-pierre replied last night and he sent me photos of his daughter and adorably cute dog; what i wouldn’t have given to hit that barbecue with the chefs on my last weekend in switzerland.
also, ali smith is ridiculously gorgeous and this song is entirely appropriate.
there’s something salient and uncomparably pretty about the gorgeousness of a 2am thunderstorm and it is something which i would like to expound to you, but sometimes words just fail me and this is one of those instances.
dance between vertical channels, slide amongst a random scattering of droplets, smell the air, smell the air, listen, and be at peace.
what are the stories which you will tell, what are the stories that you will remember, or will they all just simply fade away with time? you’re graduating soon, (or once they grade your dissertation) but you dont have a job, and it feels like damocles’ blade is hanging around you perpetually. will you work in england, will you work in ireland, will you try the americas, or will you settle and somewhere along the way, i swore to myself that i will not settle, that i cannot simply accept things for what they are and if there’s anything that i really ever wanted, this is it. i don’t want to go down as a footnote, as a statement, i want to go out the way i want it, through steely determination, through incessant challenges, through a life of lyrical poetry, a supernova, a quasar, an astronomical light.
because it is my life, i want to stop regretting what transpired 5 years ago, and there are only that much ghosts and spectres which i can bear.
there’s words, there’s love but there’s always time.
somewhere along the way, i think i have forgotten to love and i am not sure when this began but there’s a certain sense of apathy towards most things which i cannot exactly trace back to. it’s disturbing, this abject lack of intensity, and i think it is almost sad that a previously ferocious pursuit for love has been replaced by such a recess, but how many times can an ember be rekindled? yesterday lucka asked me to go to america with her, i said no, and she just flippantly tossed in ross’ name in order to elicit a reaction from me but i just smiled in disdain; is that what things boil down to, a wordplay of sorts, a game of brinkmanship? it has to stop here, it has to stop here, and i am tired of waiting for you, for you, for everyone. i have to start living for myself, i should start living for myself and stop giving my heart out like an empty bottle, for you to write messages in before hurling it to sea, to sea.
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I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke this time
There was nothing to take me back to sleep
To take you off my mind
This time
And I keep saying over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain I need to hide within a storm
So have the ending come
And bring the winds that scream
And spill the fog all over town
And hold me in your standstill ground
And I will sink down
And you’ll be washed away
You’ll be washed away
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke up this time
There was nothing to take you off my mind
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain I need to hide within the storm
So have the ending come
And bring the winds that scream
And spill the fog all over town
And break through every door
And strip away the tree
And raise the rivers high
Just help me drown
And hold me in your standstill ground
I will sink down
And you’ll be washed away
You’ll be washed away
————————————————
it was worth it all these years, it was worth it. then and then some.
———————————————–
there’s too much to say, and you should stop falling in love with words.
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some things are never fair in life, but then again that’s how it is because it is.
there’s been scarce enough time to write these days, and it’s all about reports, proposals, projects, pieces of paper without any soul, full of utility, but to what extent and whom. there’s the question and philosophy of the actual utility of utility, but we have to conform, we have to fit the norm, we cannot be unaccepted.
it’s 1.15 in the morning now, i just finished watching the dark knight; i hope you’re asleep, while i’m still alive because that’s all i can hope for, nothing more and nothing less.
