something has to be said about reading neil gaiman with koc at 4am mornings.

“Goodnight, House. Goodnight, Batcave. Goodnight, Mechanical Dinosaur. Goodnight, Batmobile. Goodnight, Alfred. Goodnight, Boy Wonder. Goodnight, Joker. Goodnight, all of you. Goodnight, Jim Gordan. Goodnight, Gotham City. Goodnight, Bat-signal. Goodbye,stars in the big night sky. Goodnight. Goodbye. Goodnight.”

i talk before i think/you shoot before you know/who’s in your line of fire/. recklessness, fecklessness, cliffsurfers.

“the last time we had this conversation you threw a loaf of bread at me.”
“i remember.”
“here.”

re-reading the sandman at the age of 24 brings a certain sense of perspective; things make more sense now, albeit invariably more morose and a bit sadder. we either change, or we die, but sometimes in life one can only change so much and that is true, but how much can i change before i stop being myself?

there are a few things that i want to say to you, and i have already revised my apology. but i have no idea how you will respond, or if that apology will ever have an opportunity to manifest itself.

sometimes in life, all i want to know is just why. why for instance, girlfriend came after fences, when it ought to have been the other way round but because i am boring and predictable, the answer is simply due to linearity.

i am tired and i want closure.

If only
Your necessary silouhette
Unknown, join the dissidents

Got carried away
Now hiding from their lies and discords?
Once remembered now forgotten

Come roll the dice for me
Roll the dice for me

Hold on better undone
If really on your own
Thinking this is fun?
Feathers fallen from drapes
Fold her into pieces
Tied up and lace

Fences in a row
Fences in a row
Wired and protected
In a row…

Got carried away
Thought I would’ve let you know
Did you miss a message?

I know you still
Would rather mess with me than get going
She’s been building up a castle in la

Roll the dice for me

Hold on better undone
If really on your own
Thinking this is fun?
Feathers fallen from drapes
Fold her into pieces
Tied up and lace

Fences in a row
Fences in a row
Wired and protected
In a row

Fences – Phoenix

a dear friend taught me to stop having expectations, and i suppose it has turned out to be the defining moment in my 24th year of existence. stop being so emotionally vested in everyone around you, stop trying to believe in people, and you can survive it better.

but sometimes i’m not quite convinced that that’s the best path to take.

past loves have moved on, so should you dear old man.

returning was a necessary journey to undertake if only to experience closure. it would almost be a crime to let things linger in seasons and mists given how badly i react when things are not settled; which is why i hate goodbyes, because i know that everyone still continues living their lives and i dont know the things which they encounter, which they will learn, how they will change, the paths they will take. but there has been a maturity of sorts, chapters have been closed, and i manage much better with goodbyes these days, which may or may not be a good thing in the process, but enables me to move on, to live on, to not be embattled with the ghosts of the past because Lord only knows how prone i am to that.

it’s never a good thing to be a creature of the past, we should all live in the present and the future, but the definition between the two is blurred at best and how do you really know what’s good for you? there has been so much ambiguity these days, and if only things were definite, younger, simpler.

til tuesday was the band which existed before aimee mann, or perhaps it can be said to be the other way, but either way one of the best concerts in my life ended with her singing voices carry. she was raspy, she probably didn’t have the best concert of her life, but it didn’t matter eventually because watching one of the guiding figures in my adolescent years was completely worth it.

In order:
1. The Moth
2. Nightmare Girl
3. Momentum
4. Build Up Wall
5. Par for the Course
6. Amateur
7. This is How it Goes
8. It’s Not
9. Save Me
10. Red Vines
11. You can Make a Killing
12. Little Tornado
13. Little Bombs
14. 31 Today
15. Freeway
16. Invisible Ink
17.That’s Just What You Are
18. Video
19. 4th July
20. Deathly

Encore:
1. Driving Sideways
2. Voices Carry

22 tracks, 120 minutes, 7 years of knowing and counting. there were thoughts of the father, but those should come in another post.

these days more than ever, it’s about words, and maybe one of these days i will start writing again. if there’s anything thankful about the absence of work, it is the fact that i have the time to read. i can’t say that i’ve discovered a new side of myself which i have never known, but i am grateful nonetheless.

chef jean-pierre replied last night and he sent me photos of his daughter and adorably cute dog; what i wouldn’t have given to hit that barbecue with the chefs on my last weekend in switzerland.

also, ali smith is ridiculously gorgeous and this song is entirely appropriate.

there’s something salient and uncomparably pretty about the gorgeousness of a 2am thunderstorm and it is something which i would like to expound to you, but sometimes words just fail me and this is one of those instances.

dance between vertical channels, slide amongst a random scattering of droplets, smell the air, smell the air, listen, and be at peace.

somewhere along the way i stopped talking a lot, and i’m not sure if it’s a good thing. but it is most certainly feels more prudent, more necessary, and needless to say less loaquacious. listen more, learn more, see different perspectives more often.

today i learnt that a dear friend has gotten engaged, and i am absolutely over the moon for her; it might sound muted over this medium but know that these days i am not as expressful as i used to be. but i am very happy, and glad, and i wish her love, happiness and peace because.

i would love to ask myself, what had happened to me, what had transpired to result in an individual with less lofty ideals, who’s stopped believing in love, or at least less so, and i’m not sure what has happened, other than the fact that it’s simply more survivable, less painful and the resultant tranquilty is much preferable. but then again this all might just change really soon.

this, i say, with hope in my heart, because constancy really should never be my thing.

it has been four weeks since i last got back but today feels more like home more than it has ever been. lunch with zhaoqi, bjorn and colin at goto was sublime, with dishes having their own unique flavours without being overpoweringly so. bumped into joy, emily soon, and then dinner with waikit, wanjun, bing, jo, kelvin, with solomon, changming and sok coming by later.

it felt like a homecoming of sorts, and also a sign of how far, oh how far we have come since salient salad days.
————————————-

and the question is, what will you be doing now, and i wished i had a more concrete answer, but it really depends. will there be clarity through the looking glass, will there be substantiality of sorts, will there be answers to questions?

“oh mummy what’s a sex pistol/oh mummy what’s a sex pistol/ tonight we beg tonight we beg the question”

everyone’s found their stories, but where’s mine?